Introduction xiiiJason Zweig Foreword to the 1995 Edition xxiMichael Lewis Introduction to the 1955 Bull Market Edition xxv 1 Introduction – “The Modest Cough of Minor Poet” 3 The Validity of Financial Predictions The Passion for Prophecy When the Bull jumped over the Moon II Financiers and Seers 23 Big Banking – Nice work if you can get it Some Assistant Tycoons The Fruit on the Blossom of Thought Wall Street Semantics Chartists The Pay The Difficulties of “Earning” Money An Art Without a Muse A Little Aptitude Test III Customers – That Hardy Breed 49 Varieties of Customers How to Get Customers Margin What to Do When the Dam Bursts Some Case Histories and a Diagnosis Churning Money as a Career IV Investment Trusts – Promises and Performance 67 Stop Making Your Own Mistakes Where is the Catch? The Hell-Paving Construction Company The Trouble with the “Best” Securities The $750,000 Bird By Way of Apology The Magical Investment Corporation V The Short Seller – He of the Black Heart 87 For the Defense A Different Defense With and Without Bears Bear Raiding VI Puts, Call, Straddles, and Gabble 105 What Options are (More or Less) In Defense of the Pure Gamble The Catch VII The “Good” Old Days and the “Great” Captains 117 The I.Q. of a Big Shot Speculation on Speculation A Brief Excursion into Probabilities Down will Come Baby “They” Manipulators A Bowl of Nickels VIII Investment – Many Questions and a Few Answers 135 Headaches of the Wealthy A Little Wonderful Advice Price and Value – Our Special Market Letter Cash as a Long-Term Investment Your Way of Life and the Basis Book IX Reform – Some Yeas and Nays 153 Was it Stolen or Did you Lose It? Nobody Loves a Specialist Horizons and Limits of Regulation Inconclusions About the Author 171

"Once I picked it up I did not put it down until I finished . . . What Schwed has done is capture fully—in deceptively clean language—the lunacy at the heart of the investment business."—From the Foreword by Michael Lewis, Bestselling author of Liar's Poker This hilarious portrait of everyday Wall Street and its denizens rings as true today as it did when it was first published in 1940. Writing with a rare mixture of wry cynicism and bonhomie reminiscent of Mark Twain and H. L. Mencken, Fred Schwed, Jr., skewers everyone including himself in his brilliant send-ups of bankers, brokers, traders, investors, analysts, and hapless customers. Critical Praise . . . "How great to have a reissue of a hilarious classic that proves the more things change the more they stay the same. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."—Michael Bloomberg, President, Bloomberg, LP ". . . one of the funniest books ever written about Wall Street."—Jane Bryant Quinn, The Washington Post "It's amazing how well Schwed's book is holding up after 55 years. About the only thing that's changed on Wall Street is that computers have replaced pencils and graph paper. Otherwise, the basics are the same. The investor's need to believe somebody is matched by the financial advisor's need to make a nice living. If one of them has to be disappointed, it's bound to be the former."—John Rothchild, Author, A Fool and His Money Financial Columnist, Time magazine "Where Are the C-C-Customers' Yachts? is a g-g-great read."—Charles Ellis, Managing Partner, Greenwich Associates "A delightful classic and reminder of excesses past and how little things change."—Bob Farrell, Senior Vice President, Merrill Lynch Where Are the Customers' Yachts? "'Wall Street,' reads the sinister old gag, 'is a street with a river at one end and a graveyard at the other.' This is striking, but incomplete. It omits the kindergarten in the middle, and that's what this book is about." —Fred Schwed, Jr. Written by Fred Schwed, Jr., a professional trader who had the good sense to get out after losing a bundle in the crash of 1929, this hilarious portrait of Wall Street and its denizens rings as true today as it did when it was first published in 1940. Writing with a rare mixture of wry cynicism and bonhomie reminiscent of Mark Twain and H. L. Mencken, Schwed skewers everyone including himself in his vivid depictions of the bankers, brokers, traders, investors, analysts, and hapless customers. Just listen to his take on the conservative banker: The conservative banker is an impressive specimen. In times of stress, when everybody needs money, he strives to avoid lending, but usually makes an exception to the United States government. Likewise, in prosperous times, he is a mighty liberal lender—so liberal that years later unfriendly committees ask him what he thought he was thinking about, and he is unable to remember. . . . or his witty assessment of technical analysis: It is the popular feeling on Wall Street that chart readers are pretty occult professionals but that somehow most of them are broke. "If you have the bad taste to ask [one] how it happens that he is broke, he tells you quite ingenuously that he made the all too human error of not believing his own charts." It's easy to see why, more than a half-century after it first appeared, Where Are the Customers' Yachts? continues to be hailed by market insiders as the funniest and most penetrating send-up of Wall Street ever penned.

Financiers and Seers. Customers?That Hardy Breed. Investment Trusts?Promises and Performance. The Short Seller?He of the Black Heart. Puts, Calls, Straddles, and Gabble. The ``Good'' Old Days and the ``Great'' Captains. Investment?Many Questions and a Few Answers. Reform?Some Yeas and Nays.